The Fabulous Faker Man
by liamdude5
Summary: After years apart, Bart reunites with one of his old childhood crushes. And they seem to hit it off. Oneshot. Rated PG 13 for sexuality, alcohol refrences, romance, and implied femslash.


Back when he was a kid, Bart could never understand how his Dad could go to bars and drink all the time. Now that he's an adult, Bart couldn't go a day without drinking if he tried.

"Another round Moe," Bart moaned.

"What's the matter Bart," Moe questioned, "Usually, you're sucking down that beer like there's no tomorrow. But now, it's like your drinking because your depressed or something."

"Just gimme another Duff," Bart yelled. Moe just shrugged his shoulders and slid Bart another Duff.

"Oh come now," a voice from behind Bart scolded, "A boy with your false talent shouldn't be wasting his time in bars like this."

"You know," Bart yelled, turning his stool around, "If you have a problem with beer, you could just come out and..."

Upon turning around, Bart saw that the person giving him this lecture was his old piano teacher from when he was ten.

"Zhenya," Bart shockingly exclaimed.

"Bart Simpson," Zhenya greeted.

"I haven't seen you since I was ten," Bart remembered, "Learning to play piano."

"Or as I recall," Zhenya recalled, "Pretending to learn to play piano and actually admiring my body."

"Yeah," Bart stammered, "I was ten. I was just learning about girls."

"That may be so," Zhenya argued, "But your pituitary gland hadn't grown yet, so you must have had no idea why you wanted to learn."

"Huh," Bart questioned.

"You really haven't changed a bit," Zhenya pointed out.

"Well," Bart countered, "Neither have you, really. Walking around in your tight outfits that complement your body perfectly."

"Thank you," Zhenya replied.

"Of course," Bart britished up, "Anything for a fine Russian damsel such as yourself."

"Well," Zhenya stated, "It was nice seeing you again."

"Actually," Bart asked, "Would you like to sit and have a drink with me?"

"I don't know Bart," Zhenya stuttered.

"Come on," Bart persuaded, "It's not like either of us have anywhere better to be. I'm assuming."

"Well," Zhenya considered, "When you put it that way, I suppose I could stay for one drink."

So, Zhenya sat at the barstool next to Bart.

"A pretty lady sitting next to Bart," Moe thought, "What if she gets on him about his drinking? I'd be Homer and Midge all over again."

"So," Moe asked, "Will the pretty lady be having anything to drink tonight? Perhaps a dark ale, the drink easiest to hide poison in?"

"Why would you say that," Zhenya asked.

"I'm American," Moe explained, "I say weird stuff. You want the drink or not?"

"I'll just have a Duff," Zhenya ordered.

"Excellent choice," Moe replied, "Another drink easy to hide stuff in."

Moe walked off to fill their order.

"So," Zhenya asked, "How's your family?"

"Everyone's fine," Bart answered, "Marge and Homer are doing good, Lisa's living at a beach house with her life partner, and Maggie just got a tattoo on her thigh. What about your father, how's he doing?"

"He's been sentenced to thirty three years in prison for running over a group of porters," Zhenya responded, "He needs to stop playing Grand Theft Auto."

"That must be difficult," Bart murmured.

"That's why I'm in here," Zhenya deadpanned, "So, congratulate me. I'll be performing in a symphony in Shelbyville tomorrow."

"Seriously," Bart asked, "That's awesome."

"Yes," Zhenya responded, "It's all I've been hoping for since I was a little girl. What do you do now?"

"I'm the safety inspector at the Nuclear Power Plant," Bart groaned, "I literally took over the job after Homer got fired for the 359th time."

"I'm guessing that safety inspector isn't your calling in life," Zhenya asked.

"I'm gonna tell you a secret," Bart answered, "I've been trying to figure out my 'calling in life' for nine years, and I still have no idea what it is I actually want to do."

"Have you ever tried just taking a break from everything and looking into your soul," Zhenya asked.

"I tried that once," Bart answered, "I got bored after thirty seconds."

That was the first time Bart saw and heard Zhenya laugh. He liked it. And it was infectious.

"You know," Bart thought out loud, "We've been keeping this whole thing kinda serious since you sat down. Why don't we have a little fun. Ask me the most random question you can think of. First one that comes to mind."

"Alright," Zhenya responded, "If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?"

"Krusty Burgers," Bart answered, "What about you?"

"Spaghetti and meatballs," Zhenya answered.

"Really," Bart asked, "Italian food?"

"Not everything about me is stereotypically Russian," Zhenya deadpanned, "Alright, now it's your turn to ask a question."

"OK," Bart responded, "What combination of fixings makes your perfect burrito?"

"Corn, meat, and cheese," Zhenya answered, "Yours?"

"Duck, jicama, and alfredo sauce," Bart answered.

"What," Zhenya asked, "Really?"

"Well that's all I can afford right now," Bart answered, "Safety inspectors don't exactly bring in the big bucks."

"You know," Zhenya flirted, "I don't remember you being this charming when I first met you."

"That's because I was ten," Bart responded, "It was creepy back then for you to find me charming."

Moe then came back with a Duff for Zhenya and another for Bart.

"Here you go," Moe offered, "Two perfect Duffs."

"Thank you," Bart thanked, "Here's to our opposing life choices."

"Cheers," Zhenya cheered.

Bart and Zhenya grabbed their Duffs, pushed them together, and drank from them.

"That's odd," Zhenya pondered, "It tastes like this Duff has arsenic mixed in."

"Will you be OK," Bart asked.

"I'll be fine," Zhenya shrugged, "All Russians are fit to be immune to all types of poisons."

"Oh crap," Moe thought.

About an hour later, Bart and Zhenya were lying in Bart's bed, both wearing nothing but a serene smile. Zhenya currently had her arms around Bart, while Bart had one arm holding Zhenya against his chest.

"That was incredible Bart," Zhenya purred.

"Yeah," Bart moaned, "You were amazing."

As Bart laid there, holding Zhenya on his arm, he thought about all of the girls he's had the hots for over the years: Sherri and Terri's cousin, Mary Spuckler, Jessica Lovejoy. He'd probably always think they're great, but none of them ever liked him back. Not like Zhenya did.

So Bart knew he'd always like Zhenya the best.

"Hey Zhenya," Bart asked, "Would it be alright if I went and saw your symphony tomorrow, as your boyfriend?"

"That would be just fine Bart," Zhenya whispered.

Now, Bart knew that he'd be happy.

"You know," Zhenya thought out loud, "After the show tomorrow, I will probably have a lot of energy that I need to work off somehow."

"Is that so," Bart asked.

"But I have a plan," Zhenya reassured, "Would you like a sneak preview?"

As Zhenya stuck her head under the covers, Bart couldn't help but sport a childlike grin.


End file.
